RIGHT NOW //
I want to say that I am at peace with God's decision...that losing our little girl and an enormous part of my heart a week and a half ago somehow feels a little easier because it was His plan. That going through two days of an induced labor and delivery, knowing what the end result would be, was somehow more bearable because Maggie was already with Him and He is good. He is good...but as for the rest, I can't say that yet. Right now it still feels like an awful nightmare that I can't wake up from. Right now I just want her back...to hold her for one more minute, to see her open her eyes and breathe in life and for her tiny heart to beat once again.
I was proud to add Maggie to our wall of family pictures in our living room. She was so beautiful. It means a great deal to me to have her up there with the rest of us--because she was here. She was not just a thought or a fluttering feeling we never got to meet...we held a sweet baby girl with a tiny, beautiful face and perfect hands and feet. Had I not followed others' stories of heartache I never would have known of "Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep" and had the chance preserve the short time we had with our little girl with pictures. I never imagined having to use their services for our family. And I never thought I would only have a couple frames just for Maggie on our wall...ones that will never change as she grows and changes, documenting her milestones and bright smile. It makes me sad there will never be ones of the 5 of us or the boys with their little sister. In looking at the boys' photo albums I have found that she looked like them both the day they were born. It was hard to see any of my own features in her...maybe I would have as she got a bit older. I wish I could have seen her with her dark hair grown out long. I wonder what color her eyes would have been...dark like mine, green like Noah's or beautiful blue like Mason's and her Daddy's. We drove by a birthday party in the park today...I always thought it would have been fun to celebrate her June birthdays with pool parties and outdoor things. No more birthdays--just memorial days. So much I couldn't wait to see and do with my daughter. It wasn't suppose to be like this--pregnant, ready and waiting one day, all of it ripped away the next. Dreams shattered, a hole in my heart and empty arms. Such an exhausting, overwhelming and consuming hurt.
I miss being pregnant. There are so many things I find myself able to do now that I hadn't counted on doing for at least two more months, some things not until I was done nursing. It doesn't feel right. It feels empty. My body still acts accordingly after birth--cruel and painful reminders with no baby to hold and feed and care for. My head is flooded with questions of how and why and what could have been, so many that will remain unanswered. How could He let us entertain the thought, feel her grow and move, prepare, dream, hope--only to end her life before she even had the chance to start it? How does anything ever feel ok again? What did I do? Who would she have become? Why her? Why then? There are no words to express what our Maggie meant to me and how much I so desperately wanted her. How desperately I still want her. And we were so close. If only I had a faith like Job's after his family and all he owned was destroyed, "The Lord gave and the Lord has taken away; may the name of the Lord be praised." Or even a faith like my sweet 4-year-old boy, "Did God love Maggie SO much that He just wanted her to be with Him? I can't believe she gets to go be with God!"
I know that she was His long before she was mine. But it's harder, deeper and more broken than that right now. And while our world is shattered, the rest of the world moves on.