FILLING THE BLANKS //
When our two older boys started Kindergarten and 2nd grade this past August, I decided to take a step back from the things that pulled me away from them. While I continued to capture the moments that framed in the day-to-day of our life, and jotted down the things I just couldn't bear to let slip out of my memory, I struggled to think much further than home. With hectic schedules and new routines, my three little boys needed me more than ever, and I had more processing to do than I had words to explain.
This past July we said goodbye to another precious baby.
After months of waiting and hoping to see that pink plus sign, we were thrilled to finally watch it appear, and wasted no time sharing our news. Elation and joy took a sharp turn 7 weeks in when we found ourselves once again questioning, unraveling and asking why God would say "yes" only to say "no" just weeks later. Hopes raised sky high and sent crashing to the pit once again.
WE WERE DEVASTATED.
Six new beginnings.
Six of the best moments of my life spent staring down at a flicker of hope and anticipation contained in a faint pink line, and we have said goodbye to every other babe.
3 precious lives here.
3 waiting for us There.
And 1 . . .
While we count ourselves extremely blessed to wrap our arms around the three wiggly boys we have been fortunate enough to take home and do life with every single day, it grieves us immensely to have 3 children that we have never had the privilege of knowing. Whether at Week 6, Week 7 or Week 31, a lost life aches the same, and the holes in our family where they would be are each profound.
I could not wrap my mind, heart and body around the loss of our sweet baby this past summer.
I feared my still-tender heart was not strong enough to survive another blow.
I had words with God.
Familiar, hopeless words.
New wounds erupting, old wounds stinging fresh once again.
I am so thankful for these four sweeties.
I cannot imagine walking the emptiness without these little boys who bring such fullness to my life, my beloved Adam who bears the load when I cannot and grieves alongside me, and a Father in Heaven that holds my precious babies just as tenderly as He holds me.
In the midst of the darkness and unraveling, we learned we were expecting again. In December, we found out God was growing another precious daughter inside of me. While no other life could take the place of our Maggie girl, we serve a God of REDEMPTION, and I have been deeply soaking in the warmth and beauty of this new life we've been given. A piece of our Maggie's legacy carried on in the life of her baby sister. The months have not passed without anxiousness, hesitation and fear. Satan would love nothing more than to taint this precious joy with crippling worry and doubt. Some days the battle is harder than others, and his lies speak louder than the Truth that I know is sovereign and good. It has done my heart inexpressible good to be trusted with the privilege of a second sweet daughter. It has been such a joy to watch my husband rejoice and soak up the sweetness, and look on as our sons overflow at the chance to be big brothers to another precious sister.
Such a gift.
Such an honor.
Such a delight.
We are preparing our hearts and our family to begin this new chapter, and let words of sweet praise fall often from our lips.
Thank you, Lord, for this life!