A few months back Lucy asked for a picture of Maggie for her room, so this weekend while our boys were away we set out to find her a frame. Psalm 139:14 says, “I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Maggie was a thriving, growing baby girl for the 8 months I carried her inside. Never were there any red flags to indicate anything was amiss during my pregnancy. The night she was born she looked so much like her siblings—a tiny 2 pound version with similar sweet features all perfectly placed and beautifully formed. Our doctors believed a “cord accident” had been the reason we lost her at 31 weeks. Without any warning she was just gone in a moment and our lives were changed forever.
Lucy has been having such a hard time for the past several months. Bedtime is a particularly tender time where her thoughts come tumbling out. My heart has broken all over again watching Lucy process a piece of her family, her heart and her story without ever even meeting our Maggie girl. Sobbing after we have read the stories and said the prayers and soaked in the snuggles each night as we tuck her in. Sobbing because of how far Heaven is, how long we will have to wait to see Maggie again, how her big brothers have each other and mom and dad have each other, but there’s no one just for her. Sobbing because she’s worried her friends won’t believe that she has a sister, too, since they’ve never seen her. Deep, heart-wrenching sobs as she names each little friend that has a sister to play with and dress up like and fall asleep next to, but all she has is pictures and stories, blankets and loveys and tiny hand and footprints belonging to her sissy. It’s a new layer of grief that is all her own, and my heart hurts SO much for the pieces of our family I cannot put back together for her here. When my words fall short and the tears keep falling, I hold her longer and pray that God will be ever so near to my Lucy girl and the parts of her story that feel so incomplete.
So many times in life we don’t get to see the full picture. There are giant question marks looming over deep, broken hurts that take a lifetime to wade through. Grief WITH hope is excruciating, but I can’t even imagine grief WITHOUT hope. Eternally thankful for a Savior that took our place so that we may one day have the wholeness, the peace, the complete picture and the sweet HOPE that Heaven holds. Magpie, your girls are missing you extra today. We’ll meet you There.